bewildered....

Penning down d feelings which r unexplicable is a tough job.....dis blog is dedicated to my special "A".....there r times vn u dunno whethr u r elated or sad...n d reason can b nethin rite frm doin bad in acads till controversies wid boyfriend or girlfriend......Mine is altogether a seperate case....V r gud frenz(bit doubtful abt "r")....I kno him frm past 1.5 hrs...I met him first at a prof's home( fr othrs d 1st meet may b a romatic place...)He was d 1st guy fr whom my heart startd beatin faster when I met him first...(mind u it wasnt d case of 'love at first site').And as how d sayin goes "First impression is d last impression"....his 1st meet left a deep impact on my mind n heart.....
The days passed by n we were on gud talkin terms....we rarely met but when v did...I felt elated n wished dat he just goes on talkin....The more I startd talkin to him d more I realised he is closed n doesnt open up easily.....He wants sum1 to take an initiative n hesitates in doin d same....In my 2nd yr...1st semester v became quite close as frenz...though d relationship had a diff meanin fr d outsiders....Though I ws always dejected dat he cud never find out time frm his busy schedule fr me...but still in some corner of my heart I thought may b some day he will cum forward.....On my birthday (12th sept).....it ws against my expectations dat he dint call(where I ws so sure of gettin d 1st call frm him) till d evenin....the whole episode aggravated me dat how can such a close freind of mine not remember my bday.....He is indifferent to emotions......fr him greetin,smilin, wishin are all immaterial......N I m strong believer of it.....Im always d 1st person to wish everybdy on ne occasion....I derive lot of pleasure in doin it...a sense of fulfillment...But when u do it fr sum1 u expect sumthin bck in return....I always tried makin myself understnd not to hav ne expectations out of him.....but yeh dil hai ki manta nahi.....I always expect n get dissapointed.....Im always dre fr him n when I wanna talk to him he is never dre....I dunno whether Im forcin him into a relationship or he is feelin burdened bein my friend....I open up wid people very fast....n they get so close to me...dis is d 1st person wid whom I actually wanted to b close wid n I cunt....The boat is sailin in d same way dis semester.....The most heart pounding thing is others especially his frenz tease me by his name sayin dat v r goin out....how to explain dat frget abt nething else v r not even able to cum up to d expectations of bein frenz....Some of his frenz call me bhabhiji....dass even ridiculous.....
I always found him hurtin me....but I m always waitin fr dat moment vn he wud make me feel happy....I dunno whether I love him or not but surely I like him....n liking him to d extent dat immaterial of d fact dat he is proven to b hurtin I m always givin him a last chance..may b to pacify myself...
He is a naive..probably he doesnt understnd wat he shud....or mayb he doesnt want to understnd....but he is sweet...simple..sober...decent..amiable....n one whom I cant resist to talk to....There r times when I desperately want to buzz him but fr some obvious reasons I dunt(again d same dialog "catch u l8r..hav some wrk...")......I never found myself so desperate abt nebdy.....
He did buzz ystrdy after a very long period of time....but fr wat reason...he wanted my civil MT record to copy n keep it fr l8r use.....I did go to giv it to him....he cud c dat Im feelin feelin well n I cud hardly speak but he dint even ask abt my well bein or cause of my illness......these r basic courtesy n human gestures which a person develops wid time.....Today he came to return it n so flatly he said thanx n went off......I dunno whether he ws mean on his part or not.....but atleast he cud hav been empathatic n enquired abt d health status...
After thinkin a lot on this I decided.....I wud go wid d flow..n wait fr things to b on my side.....or may b I'll try frgettin dat I tried makin a bosom friend & I failed....But I really wish dat sumday he realises that he wasnt fare on his part....I dunno.....whethr I shud continu tryin frm my side to keep d relation alive or I shud giv up completely......I tried a lot but Im totally unsuccessful in understanding him.....n I wish he finds sum1 better than me to understand him or wid whom he can gel well....